Bitter Much?
by Mullet-Revolution
Summary: Van reflects on his adventures with Hitomi throught the series, from a proper teenage point of view. (great laughs, ehehe)
1. Trip to an Ugly Land

**Bitter Much?**

As I stared out at the rain I thought of Hitomi. Why is that you ask? It's so damn depressing. A few years ago Gaea got swept up in the "Destiny War", of course it happened when the girl from the Mystic Moon showed up. Gee, what a coincidence. 

This all started way before I was actually sucked up into the other world. In my country, Fanelia, there is a tradition for kings to murder… I mean, slay, dragons. Risk their necks for their title. Gee whiz, really makes me want to go out there and kill one. I was being prompted by Balgus once more in the armory about what would happen that night.

"Lord Van, you must slay the dragon…"

No, really.

"Don't relive your brothers disgraces."

Gee, thanks for bring _that_ up. Add more salt to that wound. Want to discuss my dead parents? 

"You're the only heir to the throne, we're counting on you."

No pressure.

Exasperated, I reply my usual reply that I would never show the enemy my back. That sure made him shut up like planned. Eheheeeh.

So, out in the field, charging the dragon, weee! This is not going to be fun. I run faster in hopes to "scare" it, despite who's almost scared shitless, and get sucked up in blue light. Am I dead? Going to the land of the dead? Well… at least I didn't feel a thing…. Wait a minute… 

You've got to understand my situation, there I was, thrown randomly onto another world, a big fat _dragon_ after my ass, surrounded by all sorts of really ugly shit, and these crazy natives. The surroundings were beyond anything I could ever imagine, at first I had thought I had died. But no, life's not that simple, _is it_?

Of course as soon as I landed someone smacked into me, the nerve. I pushed them away, that girl was getting in the way of my mission. Obviously, they were offended towards _me_ that she ran into _me_.

"It's that guy from my vision!"

What the heck? I yelled at her to get away, obviously completely going by them. It was okay with me if they were dragon chow, obviously they don't understand the words coming out of my mouth. Morons.

"You people must be demons!" I yelled, exasperated.

"No, we're not demons!" shouted the girl, still not moving. Arrrrrrrrrgh.

The strangers wanted to know my name. Wow, what a great time for introductions. Here I was telling them to get away if they value their lives and they ask for my name. Gee, let's sit down and discuss this over a cup of tea!

Aaaand here it comes, and I had thoroughly pissed it off if I do say so myself. Boy, he was happy to see me. Again, I told them to run, yet _still_ they just stood there. In Gaea they'd be dead by now. I bet the pussy guy'd be first.

"I'm here, eat me!" I shouted at the dragon, trying to distract it from the obvious incompetence. I saw a long tail, and then a bright flash of light.

Shit that hurt.

Okay, recap. Here I am, in an alien world with _ugly_ choice of décor, being chased by a dragon that obviously does not want to be killed……heheh……I'm being thrown around, I'm spitting up blood, yet I'm the one that's gotta stay cool to let these people escape and…

They are still there.

Okay…well, after that thorough beating, they finally got it through their thick skulls and made a run for it. I'd applaud them if I was not so bruised. Well, with them outta my way, I could turn back to more important…oh shit.

Where was the dragon?

Given what I had witnessed from the 'quick reflexes' I figured that I would go have to be the hero. Oh gods, one fell down. Uggggggh. I get my claw hand and go for one hell of a ride, getting more of a view of this ugly world. Why am I here? 

The trio ran up the mountain through red sticks which I figure serve no other purpose then letting the fat dragon have easy access to the buffet. Meanwhile, I'm still hanging on, my leg banging against the dragon walk.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Bugger!

_Finally_ we come to a stop. I quickly jump off before losing my lunch. There are those three idiots, still standing there. At least they're out of the way this time. But…knowing my luck, they'll run _into_ the fray. 

I charge at the dragon, finally given the opportunity, sword drawn. Hopefully I can take him out with one clear shot.

Clang!

Oh of _course_ the dragon has protective armor! I mean, why _wouldn't_ it Van? Uh oh…it's lungs are filling with fire…

Dodge dodge, must dodge, DODGE!

Well, I hope no one liked that monument there. It wasn't all that nice looking anyway. Which would they prefer, that monument, or me?

Knowing my luck, the monument. Argh. 

I'm not sure what to do next. Maybe if I charge again…okay, charging at the face now, I'll intimidate this creature! Either that or kill myself. Ha. Hahaha.

Clang!

This is getting annoying. 

"Above you!"

And one of the bimbos is running into the fray. Did I call it or…wait. Above you? Above….?

_Oh Shit!_

Oh that was a close one, I think I just lost ten years off my life. I'll be prematurely gray after this. Luckily, only my armor was hit. I'm defenseless, but alive.

I took this opportunity to run up its tail and well, to put it bluntly, splice it a new butt-hole. What a way to go. I'm sorry I did it but…one of us had to go, and by golly it wasn't going to be me!

Now covered in green I-didn't-want-to-think-about-it, I ran to the front to finish him off. Oh great, more green stuff. I jam my sword in and retrieve the energist, to prove I'd slain the dragon and all that shit. What does this prove? How do they know I didn't just go and buy this and…

……damnit. 

Honestly though, I just killed this poor thing, and for what? To prove I'm king? Don't I get that by default? What does it prove about a man who may slay a dragon when it comes down to it? That I can end life? Doesn't it prove how little life means to me? I…

"Excuse me?"

Aaahh…gods.

Well, here she is, miss "I saved your ass, so gimme something." Nice world we live in when one only does something in exchange for another. Fine, I'll take you to the castle, but don't get so uppity, I could have done it myself. More an apology for getting you involved.

SLAP!

She slapped me. I save their lives, and she slaps me.

That bitch.

"What's with this? The high attitude! I was scared, I was really scared! I thought you were going to die! At least you could have said thank you!!"

And then proceeded to cry.

Oops.

I had a red mark on my face and made a girl cry… for some reason that made me feel bad. Really bad. She slapped me yet I feel I deserved it. I've learned a valuable lesson that day:

Don't express my true feelings around girls, especially ones that will slap me.

An awkward silence filled the air, the other two staring at me in a pissed off manor. Excuse me, next time fend for yourselves. Bah. Suddenly to break the silence the energist started to glow and I was surrounded in blue light. I was shocked, what was happening? Wait… blue light surrounded me when I came to this horrid place…

I'm going home!!! Yippee!

I look down slightly and notice Slap Girl was also getting sucked up. No, you stay here, we don't need your kind on Gaea. No, no, no, stay! Yes! Reach for that pussy guy's hand, no! Don't miss it and grab the necklace!

Gargggggggggg!!!!


	2. Glorious Fanelia!

I find myself once more on Gaea. There is no mistaking it; two moons in the sky and less ugly stuff. Hallelujah! Slap Girl slowly sits up in the grass and takes a moment of dramatic pause…

Is it just _me_ or are the Mystic Moon people just really _dense_?

Slap Girl looks panicked all the sudden. Why? It's Gaea; she should be relieved. So we're surrounded by a bunch of beast men, fangs bared, growling in warning fashion. So? I look up and notice…Ruhm!

Ha ha! Free-ride back. I'm sure he won't mind…heheh….

"You've truly been to the Mystic Moon?" Ruhm inquired in fascination as we started our journey back home.

"Yeah."

Haven't you?

He continued, looking over at the girl. "And that girl is one of its people?"

Frighteningly enough.

"Excuse me," the girl asked Ruhm timidly, "what's the Mystic Moon?"

Perhaps _dense_ isn't the word. More like "stupid". Doesn't she know the name of her own planet? Gods……

I look up at her and notice she's gazing off into space with a glazed look in her eyes. Okaaaaaaay, is she hungry? _That_ time of the month? Stoned? Growing slightly concerned, I ask her if she's all right. 

That snaps her out of it. She blushes and won't look at me, dismissing it as nothing. What, is it something I said? I kept my tone neutral; don't want to get slapped again. Is it me? What, it's not like I have wings growing out of my…back…

Doo doo doo, tra la lalala….fa la…

………

……

After one heck of an awkward night, morning finally arrives and with it the amazing light that IS my country: Fanelia! 

Bu-yah!

The girl seems amazed as Ruhm tells her that it is Fanelia. Of course she should be amazed with the beauty of Fanelia, who wouldn't be? It has that classic beauty, timeless, traditional, and lots of trees. We also have dragons! Don't forget that one! And a Dracon…

Dooodooodooodoo…….

As we approach the gate I realize how much I've missed my country. You never notice how much something means to you until it's gone…

Sudden sense of foreboding…

Oh well. The mountains envelope the city like a mother's arms around her beloved child, protecting it while I was gone. The scent of the trees and fields in the clean air, the wind whispers through the trees, stirring the windmills in front of the gates. 

See Slap Girl, _we're_ efficient. Wait a minute…

………

What _are_ those for?!?

We enter the Fanelian gates. I hear someone call out my name and a crowd gathers around the yak. My adoring public. I missed you guys too, you can't imagine how much! I leap from the yak, showing off I must admit…

Crck!

Ow, my ankle. Must not show pain, I am Van, I am good…

Single tear.

"Lord Van!" I hear the familiar cry.

"Merle!" I shout in excitement. Merle, my buddy, my pal! SANE person! Oh it's good to be home! I throw open my arms to receive the hug I know is coming and…oof!

I chide her, telling her that we're in public and to _stop licking my face_. Cats' tongue…ow. Like sandpaper across the face. It's good to be loved. Heeheehee.

"Lord Van?" 

Merle and I look up to see my mentor, Balgus, emerging from the crowd. "Lord Van." He says again. Right. Merle bows and scoots away, this scared look on her face. Wish I could scurry away too.

"Lord Van."

Yes Balgus, that _is_ my name; we've established that the first two times. Fine, if you want it officially. I nod and hold up that poor dragon's energist for all to see.

"I, Van Fanel, have completed the Rite of Dragonslaying, have returned with a Drag-Energist."

Man, they look like they're gonna shit a brick. What, they thought I couldn't do it? Thanks for the faith, guys. Well, I'll just grace them with my smile. I mean, I _am_ glad, I'm gonna be king, I can do all sorts of deeds for the good of my people.

Like figure out what those windmills are for, for one.

Balgus calls me over, telling me I should give the girl a room and that I need to practice my sword skills.

Oh no…Hey wait, I'm king now Balgus, I'm in charge now, not you! HA!

So I give the girl one of our guest rooms and follow Balgus to the training room doggedly.

All hail the king. Rah.

LordVan, Lord Van, Lordvan Lordvan lordvan! Argh! Does the man know any other words? We stand facing each other, Balgus in his tight pants.

Aaagh…old man in tight pants. I hope someone kills me if I ever try that. 

Balgus starts grunting, signifying that I should get ready. With a bored look on my face that I hope he sees I draw my sword, facing him. Intimidating little creature, aren't I?

Rawr.

All fifteen years of my lanky form. I can see you shaking in fear now.

He does some long growl, and the "battle" commences. You can cut the tension with a knife in this room. I charge!

Charging…charging! Tight pants…no! Charging! 

CLANG!

He blocks me. Big surprise there. At this rate, I _won't_ get to be an old man in tight pants. 

"Lord Van,"

Slave Balgus.

"You don't charge aggressively enough!"

_Who_ just slew a dragon?

"Come at me like you mean to kill me!"

Yeah, I can really kill something ten times my size…wait…dragon…That's different! Dragon's not Balgus! Dragon wasn't half as scary. Gods Balgus, your hand can pop my head. So, when it comes down to it, I don't think I can kill you.

"I don't like mortal sword combat," I sigh heavily. He knows this, but enjoys pissing me off. Unlike you, I have a country to run right now. I'm king, hear me roar.

Rer…

"Lord Van,"

Not to say he has a one-track mind.

"It is a poor thing for a man who is about to become king of Fanelia to show such weak sentiments!"

Would you rather I start out for world domination and have my country incinerated? That can be arranged.

"It's not like I'm becoming king because I _want_ to." I reply. Oops, shouldn't have said that. I sense a lecture in my future.

"Lord Van…"

WHAT!?

Balgus sees my distressed look and decides not to do anything. He pauses, looking thoughtful. "We have a guest."

Guest? Who would be visiting me while I perform my "important" duties? Oh, her. Don't trust her Balgus, she slaps. She may look all innocent and timid, but she could take you out. 

Merle comes bounding in for a hug. Where'd you come from…?

Balgus struts over, suddenly the diplomat that he's been trying to get me to be for years. Whatever, I could do it. Do doodoo la la…

"It seems that Lord Van-" BARG "- owes you his life."

Huh?

"I promise you that we'll do all in our power to return you to your home." He states, smiling fondly at the girl. 

"Really?"

No, he's lying. Never trust samurai of Fanelia!

For some reason Balgus made me bring that Girl to my coronation. Probably to keep me in line if I try to run; slap me if I try anything. She is just standing there awkwardly, no sense of royal etiquette. Bah.

Geez it is hot. Who could fight in this armor? I mean, billowing cape? Someone could just jab a sword into it and I would be stuck. 

So hot…

Hot….

I feel like a mukushi in this thing…

Mmm… mukushi meat….

Yum….

Still hot…barg…they seem to be talking to me, perhaps I should pay attention. Look at tbat bird fly…Balgus senses I'm not paying attention, I can feel his eyes boring into the back of my helmet. Sigh.

That's a nice sword, even with the crest of Fanelia on it. Hey, if I lose it, they'll all know it's mine, the king's sword.

…King's sword…king. I'm king.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I'm not ready for this! I'm too young! What if I botch up!? What if I'm forced to do a political marriage!? Marriage! Shit, I need an heir! I'm too young! What if there's an invasion! Brain burp! I can't remember what to do! Stupid dad! Stupid brother! What if there's an earthquake? What can I do then? What if there's a flood, or a drought!? What if the mother of the dragon I killed comes after us all in revenge!? ……People will be after my head! Assassination attempts! I have to sleep with one eye open! Too young! I can feel my hair graying now! What if everyone finds out what I am? DOOMED! Will they cut off my wings? Ooooh…

I'm tired…

I hear explosions coming ominously closer……parties?

"Enemy attack!"

First day on the job…and I already botch it up.

Balgus and the other samurai step forward in a group huddle, leaving me in the background. I guess I'm just a figurehead.

Remember, I don't charge _aggressively_ enough.

"Lord Van,"

Yeeees?

"I want you to take the Lady Hitomi to the shrine and if it prove necessary awaken Escaflowne and flee."

Escaflowne?

I swear I've heard that name before…

It was something important….. hmm….

Come Girl! To the shrine!

… there are three caskets over there… as I recall there was only one dead body. Folken died, a hero's death, (he did not run away); Mother went out looking for him and never returned….

What are the other two for?

Me… Gir… Hitomi…

One… two…

I don't like the odds against me.

Well, from what I remember of my lessons I –think- that I stand in the middle of that elaborately decorated circle. Hm… now what.

I wonder how things are going out there..

Hope no ones died… what a track record I'd have…

Oh yeah, blood!

Oooooowwww!

Don't like slicing my finger. Whoa, look at blood, must have hit an artery. Um… I'll lift it above my head and shut my eyes….

Please come out… please come out….

Please?

I hear cracking above… that could be a good or a bad sign….

That's a big rock. Imagine if that thing fell. Squish goes Van. 

Oh! THAT'S Escaflowne! It all makes sense now, I remember! Patting self on back. Hitomi is looking at me. What? I knew what to do the whole time. I'll show you what Escaflowne and I can do together.

I jump up on the knee. I think the energist goes here. With a dramatic wave of my arms, it WILL! Hai-yah!  
Splort!  
Oh, that's gross, ugh, getting hand out of there……ew…

"What do you think you're doing?"

Umm, sitting in here since the view is fabulous, what do you think I'm doing?

Okay, one step at a time. I hope I don't fall on my face. That'd be kind of funny. Trip, bonk, heheehehe. I feel the Escaflowne strapping me in, closing around my form to attune itself with my every move. The door bursts open. I step rather close to Hitomi.

MOVE!

Oh gods, we're back to that not moving stage again. The Mystic Moon battle tactic at full throttle. Perhaps if I stamp my foot she'll get the point.

I don't see anything. That could be bad. Grabbing sword, hehee, it grows! That could be so wrong! Highly amused. 

"To your left!"

Looking to left and…

WHOA!

What the?

Erm… charge?

I slash the metallic claw thing and it bursts into blue flames. Glad I'm not on the ground. They think they're getting away from me, huh? 

"A guymelef?!" I shout out as the invisible cloak is torn off. This could be worse than I first thought.

"Behind you!" I can barely hear Hitomi through this thing. She's running into the fray, _again_. 

"ROAR!"

Hey! Balgus! I'm glad to see you! That's a huge sword…making up for something?

I turn my attention back to the melef and find his melef can do fancy tricks. Is that fair?

I hear Balgus shout to me to escape. I'll never turn my back on the enemy! You've pounded it into my head enough… Suddenly I feel something jump onto my shoulder. Big bird?

Balgus just saved my life from the guymelef behind me. You can say "Lord Van" all you want man! Alright, I get the picture, I'm not that good in battle. Grumble…Come Hitomi, we gotta go! Look how tiny you are! You like…fit in the palm of my hand. I could pop you…

Okay, running. Get vengeance later. Leaving temple and…

…………  
Oh my…no words come to mind…Fanelia's burning……  
"All right Balgus, retreat!" 

I turn to see my dear mentor struck down…  
BALGUS!!!!

I can't think…I can't think! So much blood…

He tells me to reunite Fanelia…

Ah……….BALGUS!

Balgus, my mentor…he was like a father to me…

Blue light…no…

Going back to the Mystic Moon now, right? No! Wait! I have to fight! To save Fanelia! 

FANELIAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Disclaimer: Don't own Escaflowne (or Van….)

Yukari: I'm possessed!

Ever notice kid picking his nose in the background? ("Enemy attack" part).


	3. The Mighty Mighty King

I had to turn my back on the enemy… _the shame_. For some reason in the middle of the battle a blue light enveloped us and took Slap Girl and myself away from the battle…

 I'm betting this guymelef that it has something to do with _her_.

   Let me tell you, it was not a smooth ride. _Far from it!! And at some point, I felt my hands relax (brain burp on my part?) and next thing I know, I look down and Hitomi's not there. _

 This could potentially be bad….

  And unlike those other "elite" countries that stick their noses up at us, we _farmers_ all know that what comes up, must go down. I'm wondering how much farther I'll be going up before I go down again…

    Oh, here we go.

    If only I weren't in this guymelef, I could spread my wings and—

Tra la lalala la…doo do do do doo…

……

_BAM-crunch!_

    Ouchies. Hope I didn't break anything…or land on anyone. I hop out of Escaflowne and, seeing no blood, assume all is well. And, judging by the stars, I am still on Gaea. 

Thank. The. Gods.

    But then I remember Hitomi.

Well, you know, considering our height and the rate at which we fell, that and no Esca-protection, this farmer-king predicts:

DEATH

And even if she was alive, remember those lightning-quick reflexes and battle tactics of that horrid decrepit moon, she wouldn't last _five minutes_ in Gaean wilderness!!

Well, Slap-Girl, it's been nice knowing you.

"Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!"

"Hitomi!?"

Alive!?

I rush the scene, charging into battle, not thinking about the consequences of my actions… again!

Run 

Run 

Run!

Leap over log!

Stepped in doo-doo!

Run

Run 

Run!

Ha ha ha!

How loud can she scream!?

I'm happy I wasn't there to hear it…

Course, we all know she is strong with the hands…. I guess we figured out she is strong with the lungs too.

I hear sappy words… this could be bad…. I also hear something about 'Amano' … I think I've heard that name before….

…..

…..

…..

PUSSY BOY!

Diving through the bushes I scream her name, demanding to know what that woman had done to Hitomi. Geez, Gaea today!

"Making rash threats is never a good idea," the woman says.

Oh, _really? I reach for my sword, ready to slit this woman from nose to navel. _

"Don't draw!"

No? I'll sketch then.

"If you draw, you will die."

"What!?"

It's a _man! Gyaaaaaaaaa! He looks like a friggin' stereotypical angel from the opening credits! _

"My duty as a knight is to answer steel with steel."

Fine, my steel your… _it's a man!_

"I don't draw to play games."

Then get out of here, this is my fort meanie! Geez. If he wasn't taking it so seriously I'd roll my eyes now.

I pull out my sword, giving him a look of pure irritation. What had he done to Slap Girl? She was my Mystic woman! I found her, she belongs to me! The blonde "knight" tells me I'm a fool and gently puts down Hitomi…

If only she was awake to slap him…

He pulls out the sword with a flourish, a _flourish_ I tell you! hahahahaha!!! He obviously takes his art very seriously and is under the distinct impression that he is going to kick my butt… he has another thing coming…

Then again, _I don't charge aggressively enough._

I charge at him, much like the dragon. Compared to that this guy will be a breeze! And… that is apparently what has moved me… the blonde he-she in _purple_ does a back-flip (chicken!! Trying to escape my wrath!!) and lands on the ground. 

"Your swordsmanship is excellent."

Why, thank you! You're the first to think so! … that says something about you.

"But—"

But!? There is always a 'but'. Like, 'you don't charge aggressively enough.' 

BAH!

He lunges at me and… HUUUGH! I just lost my lunch… ugggh. I fall to the ground, seriously stunned that… thing! Beat me. The world grows dark… I can be… dramatic… too…..

I'll skip over the finer details of when I woke up and how scared was… I mean, you can't really trust certain people… especially when there is a he-she that recently kicked your butt at sword play. 

Grrr.

"You're saying that she is from the Mystic Moon? She's one of its inhabitants?"

"Yes, like we've said a dozen times before"

Moron

With a flourish of his hands (are you sensing a pattern too?) he pulls out… MY SWORD?! How did he get that! How dare he! I can have him beheaded for this! … hey! I really can! Wahoo!

He turns his attentions to Hitomi, that predator. I still think he was the one who did … whatever to her! He asks her for her name and of _course_ she gives him the answer straight, acting all coy and innocent. 

Slap him!!

You know you want to!!

Share and share alike….!

She's not moving. 

Traitor.

He rolls the name 'Hitomi' around for awhile, acting as though it's the most beautiful name in the world. I'm betting the guy is more obsessed with his own name. "'Allen, Allen' Wow, that has a nice ring to it! I wish I could marry myself."

I apologized for landing in his country, it was that entire blue lights fault, but I don't want to go into it. I _politely_ ask for my guymelef, Escaflowne back, from his dirty paws. Instead, he simply asks me questions! Time is valuable! I need to get back to my country and take care of those enemies!

I am KING!

HEAR ME ROAR!!!

"What are you going to do with you guymelef?"

What do you _think I'm going to do with it!? Jump rope? Get drunk and destroy a city? _COME ON_!_

He tells me it won't do any good. WHAT? What do you know sitting… here… in this fort! With me! Nevermind!

Next thing I know Allen tells me that Fanelia had been destroyed. My mouth opens but no words come out… he has to be lying! No! I was holding out on the off-chance that perhaps, just perhaps, all would be well and that when I left, hey! They got bored and left Fanelia all alone, in perfect condition. 

Ha ha ha?

Allen is babbling. I see his mouth moving but none of it is connecting. All I see if BURNING FANELIA.

Pathetic whimper.

Noooo.

King… one… day….. not… even… that….

And the whole thing is gone…

I weep.

Suddenly, the building starts to shake and… what… guymelefs… Hitomi is saying those are the ones that destroyed Fanelia…

LET ME AT THEM!!!

TIME TO DIE!

PREPARE YOURSELVES!!!

Though I think I've been proven time and time again I suck at this sword combat thing… Perhaps if I got Escaflowne I could step on them while they're out of their guymelefs… hmm… that's an idea….

Honor bound angel on shoulder, that looks like Allen, is shaking head.

Damn.

Allen goes off to be the diplomat, trying to get Hitomi and myself to stay behind. While Hitomi tries pleading with some… dude…. I try the Fanelian maneuver. I push past them and get a front row seat.

Not so bad for being a farm country, are we?

I continue glaring, holding all my willpower not to run forward and try to attack that jerk that destroyed my country…. Glare glare glare… if only looks could kill. 

Allen seems to be trying to cover up for us, probably trying to protect us or something… a likely story. Through my glaring (and tribal war drums pounding in my ears) I catch onto their conversation. 

"Would it have anything to do with Fanelia to the west being attacked?" inquires Allen.

"That run-down little country?" the albino rat responds. I'll show you run-down! "Maybe the leaders were eaten by the dragons of the valley. It's a fitting end for such a back-water country, don't you think?"

WHAT?!

LET ME AT HIM!

I'm shocked! Back-water!? How so!? We have WIND-MILLS!!! What do you have? Besides… stuff.

Then, that albino rat calls me a coward! It wasn't my fault, it was HITOMI's! I finally speak up, too angered to keep silent, probably too stupid too. I don't know what I said, but suddenly everything got a little tense and quiet….

The albino turns towards us, narrowing his eyes, and approaches. I'm ready, prepare yourself for your downfall and --- HEY! He simply shoves me aside and proceeds to try and intimidate or something MY mystic moon girl! Why can't people get that I found her and she's my responsibility!

He makes a snide comment about her clothes. Well, I agree about _that_, they are strange, but look at you… you… albino. Then he asks what country she is from….

Foreboding…. Major sense of…..

Bad….

….

Doom…

"She's my new lover," Allen says.

WHAT!?

SINCE _WHEN!?_

"I found her in the east, her name is Hitomi."

Yeah, give away her name like that to him. And since when have they been lovers? 

….

_THE WOODS!_

I knew it!

The albino looks just as sickened as I as Allen kisses her. 

…

No thoughts on that matter… that I care to think about… haaaa…

Burning Fanelia.

Burning Fanelia…

Gone….

With the wind.

"You live up to your reputation, Allen Schezar," comments Dilandau as he turns to leave.

I'll say.

How dare he.

The crew talks about Allen doing it before… I'm not pleased. Whatever gets rid of Dilandau I guess.

Allen wraps it up, telling Hitomi he probably didn't really help her reputation with Zaibach. I glare as Hitomi stares after Allen, annoyed with the two of them.

Gaea sucks.

Fanelia is gone.

Dilandau, I'll get you…

And all your girly-men too.

Sitting alone in a room with Hitomi, lost in my thoughts over my country and the failure I am. Boo-hoo. Hitomi mumbles something I didn't catch (I really don't care… really) and tells me not to sulk.

Excuse me? Did _your country just get burned to the ground? No, you have a home to go home to!... somehow!_

Bitch.

Suddenly, she puts some cards down and says something about a Hermit. Huh? Well, I guess I am now, thanks for cheering me up! I'll return the favor someday!

You're a bitch!

What are those?

"Tarot cards."

And those are…?

"They tell you your fortune."

Sure they do, keep on believing it. Cards can't tell fortunes, moron.

Suddenly, I hear the words 'card of death.' She has my attention now… but obviously, she has none herself… She starts freaking out, her eyes rolling around madly, foam at the mouth!

Okay, perhaps I'm exaggerating a little.

"Hitomi!" I cry, grabbing her shoulders to try and bring her to. Perhaps if I shake her….

Her eyes snap open, scared, and I demand to know what has happened. Before she can answer though I hear something metal strike against the wall. I tell Hitomi to stay back and draw my sword. I am the man after all, you woman. But, I might need your slap assistance if all else fails.

The floor bursts open and this mole-man comes out of the floor commenting about wrong room or something. Hitomi lets out a shriek and calls him a pervert. Huh? Did I miss something….?

The mole-man takes us to the storage area where the guymelefs are kept. Scanning… scanning… ah! There is Escaflowne! I start walking briskly towards it, trying to contain the skipping effect, when Hitomi asks me what I plan on doing.

Duh.

I _wonder._

I hop into Escaflowne, almost immediately feeling better. It's like a protective shell against the world….

Good one Van.

I hear nagging from the ground… is that girl good for anything else? Don't worry, I'll come back someday and get you to return you home. I mean, you seem to be enjoying yourself with Allen and I wouldn't want to break the two of you up just yet.

The door opens and….

Oh crap.

Caught.

He challenges me to a duel… you're on!

Face me, Allen!

"I accept!"

Course you do, don't want to deflate your manly ego now, do I? 

I draw my sword, and out it goes. Heh, still funny.

We prowl around each other, trying to intimidate the other, and I get this over-astounding support from his crew towards me. I take up the stance I know all too well and charge, doing this cool little trick where I drag my sword through the dirt. He easily blocks me.

"You don't charge aggressively enough, Van!" he cries smugly.

If I hear that one more frickin time…!

"Balgus would have never held back like this!"

What about Balgus…? He then launches into some crap about how Balgus was his swords-master. Well la de da.

He pushes me to the ground, and aims to finish me with a dramatic blow. Well Ha! I block you! Score!

But wait…I'm defeated. Stupid Allen. 

Well, I'm the ground now, a sword in my face. Now, the little evil me on my shoulder says hint-fully "kick kick, I mean, he is in range" but…stupid honorable battle code. I climb out of Escaflowne, full of self hatred as his crew practically laughing their arses off at me. Thanks.

Balgus…you cheap teacher.

Hitomi wanders over, probably to laugh or slap me. Yeah, whatever. 

Suddenly, the music starts up! I look at Hitomi quizzically, because undoubtedly this is her doing once again, and she starts yelling to Allen to run away with a series of dramatic poses. 

Only her…

+++++++++++++++++++++

Disclaimer: We do not own Escaflowne or Van… not making money, humor involved. _Parody! *does little jig*_


End file.
